Thursday, June 10, 2010

Tears...over a pant size? Get over yourself.

for a good reason!

While bathing suit shopping (yikes!), I just wanted to try on a pair of pants to see if i had gone down a size.

I knew what the risks were. If i couldn't fit into the pants I would be heartbroken. But i figured at 15 lbs lost, that should be about one pant size - so I might as well try.....

and they fit!!!

It was the weirdest feeling. I haven't been a size 10 since I was 15, and that was 8 years ago. I was just in shock. Utter, utter shock... and if the pants hadn't been so gosh darn ugly I would have bought them as a memento.

The real reason why I had to go shopping was for a bathing suit (I've been avoiding clothing stores at all costs since starting this weight loss journey for 2 reasons: a. I don't want to buy clothes when I am in between sizes and 2. I simply don't have the money, or rather I am reallocating it to trying out new healthy (yet expensive) superfoods).

I was in desperate need of a new swim suit. The elastic in my old one was completely gone (when I accidentally flashed a lifeguard while swimming is when I realized I needed to get a new one).

I decided to go to a store that sells cheap, but good quality clothes (for us Canadians I went to the Real Canadian Superstore). There swimsuit selection was AWESOME!

I started out with my typical one piece...tried a few on. They were cute on the hanger, but when I tried them on, they made me look squat and lumpy. And while I realize that this is the combination that most girls go for - i wasn't impressed...and a little dismayed. I mean if a one piece doesn't look good on me - there is no way a two piece will.

But my friend was working that night, and suggested that I try on a few two piece swimsuits. I tried on some tankinis - they had the same effect, kind of hugged me in all the wrong places. And as we all know, misplaced hugs are quite unfortunate. But I couldn't dare try on a midriff baring two piece, could I?

Well I did! And I am very proud, and somewhat shocked by the results:

Ok. So I'm not super skinny. And I carry around a pair of thunder thighs as if they were a coveted possession. But nonetheless - I liked the way that I looked. I think for only those of us who have been struggling with our body weight, and our self image can understand how foreign of a concept that can be. To actually like yourself, half naked...bizarre.

On the drive home, I welled up in tears. I couldn't believe how emotional this was for me. I haven't just lost 15 lbs. It's more than that. I have lost a shell of shame and guilt too. There are a few more shells under that one, but at least this new bikini is helping me to expose them to the world (or just my boyfriend and any peeping neighbours).